Another Dictated Story

(This Dictated Story has the same rules as the last one.)
Once upon a time (there are no fairies in this story) there lived a lot of people, we however will concentrate on 3 or 4 of them.They lived in a small house which hadn't been extended yet.One day Kili and Fili decided to have an archery contest.They were told by Thorin to ask the house renovators to extend their house.They decided to have their archery contest on the way. 
The target was,unfortunately for them,Their mother's prize lily.This lily happened to be just below their mothers bedroom window. Fili was not very good at archery, but that is to be expected when your brother has just kicked you as you were in the act of shooting so you wouldn't win.Right.Fili's arrow went right in the middle of the window there was a screech and a crash.

The culprits headed for the trees as fast as they could Kili ran away but Fili was not so lucky.or Kili ran faster.So you've got Fili was not so lucky? Their mother came out and saw the broken lily.She was not impressed.

She saw Fili's bow lying on the ground.She could tell it was Fili's because it had a delicately engraved F on it and it had a crack in it and she knew that Frerin,who ever that is,was not around.Right right, next, you weren't saying anything so why would we be listening? Right,she looked up and spotted Fili running away. 

She decided it was time she had a little conversation with Fili, she ran in the same direction

she um she,ran past him and pretended not to notice him as he lent up against a tree and pretended to be part of the scenery,she stopped, turned around and started to walk back there was a sigh of relief,she said loudly ''Oh Fili must not be around here''

an audible sigh of relief and a slight giggle,that's a lot of writing...oh I thought that was all today. Dis quickly rushed to one side and um and...ran in the dir- um,and caught young Fili (if you call 80 young) She took him back to the house giving him a lecture on the way. The lecture was about how young (and old) Dwarves should not play with bow and arrows near open windows or aim at their mother's prize lilies,Fili kept nodding hoping that her bad mood would not last long.

Meanwhile Kili had found a group of Elves ,it is amazing how often this happens in these sorts of storys,one of them was especially attractive um um they,one of them said he was cute, he was very annoyed, 

 

They tra- they went along for some time they had a very interesting conversation, Kili did most of the talking as the Elves were not very talkative. they said it was all very interesting. Hannah is making funny faces and blinking a lot, Kili heard something coming through the trees.

it sounded like a very heavy something that expected everything to get out of its way. This he could tell because there were loud bumps and unmentionable curses in Dwarvish. The voice sounded familiar. 

 

Kili and the attractive Elf were having a very interesting conversation when Thorin came along and spoiled it all, he looked very angry especially when he saw Kili.um um um um ummm hummmmmmmmm ummm sooooooo,Thorin came up with a very stern expression on his face ''You are coming with me young Dwarf'' ''I'm not young'' Right ummm hahaha um so ha ha ha um oh no please don't do that um so ha ha ha Thorin when they got home Thorin gave Kili a long and lengthy lecture 
(just like the one Dis had given to Fili)

Kili nodded all the while, not listening, just nodding because nodding means you are listening.The next morning however a lot of meat and 2 nephews had disappeared and were not seen again for some time.Thorin said ''Good riddance''

then said he was only joking when he saw the look on Dis's face.

hmmmm.The nephews had crept out the night before into the forest.Fili had-no Kili had conveniently lost Fili along with quarter of the provisions and was now wondering if he was anywhere near Elves (or anyone else for that matter)

Which he wasn't,finding this out he sat down and made a fire out of no-one-knows what and left it going and cooked his lunch on it.Breakfast.

When he went away he met some Elves umm they rushed past him to a place where smoke was coming out; they had buckets full of water, they rushed through a bush which hid them for a while, ummmmm.

When they came back they were all covered in smoke soot.They told him to find something better to do than setting fire to woods. he asked what. What? He asked what,What? He asked what else he could do,oh, do you know what I should write in here? I have a suspicion that she is writing down what we are saying, you are!!!don't encourage her, maybe you have dainty little hands, oh look a hairbrush!

I can hear Bryony's pencil,brrr he he he ,How Dare You! I want you to read this, I know what you could put in your story, He went away from the Elves and was soon overtaken by night in other words the dark.

It began to rain, this book (Le Miserbles)is to long, there was a flash of thunder, I mean, Lightning, a flash of thunder?you should know better, I do, oh really? I'm on more advanced maths than you,umm um triple umm, right,

He came to a town which was by a large expanse of water, which was rapidly expanding as the rain continued, it's called the sea ,oh, in that case....hmm.

He saw some shapes on the horizon, they looked strangely familiar, no they didn't! On the street he found a....... a fountain? Hannah!

Did you write down, man who he later found out was called Bard the Bow Man, Which rhymed with man, no it didn't! Yes it did. No, man can not rhyme with man, He sang a song and carried 6 baby rabbits in a basket, what a strange thing to carry. 

 

He said his name was something else, he said his name was Sigrid, NO HANNAH! And Kili soon forgot it as it wasn't a very memorable name, right,

I think he said his name was something starting with W ; William, Winkle, Wallace, Waylayer, 

 why are you looking at me? Ummm ummm he reached a wooden platform which was built on the water.

It was a very dirty wooden platform, yup, and had a boat tied to it. On the boat were lots of people, 2 pigs, a cow, a horse and a lady. Who all informed him at once- oh yes there was a monkey there too, yes a monkey, in sheep's clothing, which actually came off a kangaroo.

That they were pirates and that they were going to kill everyone in the town and that he'd better go and tell them so. 

 Did you write down the bit about the killing?

He ran off to tell theeeee ummmmmm village people, yup, about it. But he missed his way in the dark, hit something in front of him heard a wild war whoop and fell over backwards.

When he woke up, hey, hey, I want to do the next bit. He awoke to find that water was being splashed over his face and the rest of him was all wet.

 

He was in a young lady's room, and so was the lady. She was armed with a bucket, a empty bucket, a plastic bucket.

She had a frying pan in the other hand, a cast iron frying pan. When she saw that he was awake she threw him out the window.

He immediately rushed around to the door and started thumping it, soon someone came to the door. It was the horse, it was black, and white and actually looked like a cow and could talk and was surrounded by.....

the other pirates who all said at once ''GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK!'' ''what?'' said Kili and they repeated what they had just said.

 So he went away and found Fili who was all wet as well and said he'd been captured by pirates! Who threw him overboard and fished back up again and made him walk the plank

 and thrown up by a gigantic wave into the crow's nest with a fishing line.

Where the pirates noticed him and were about to throw him overboard again when they sighted land. They threw him down below and he blew their ship up.

Then they went off to save the young lady in distress. Who was not pleased to see them and kicked them out the window. A little bit later she relented and let them in.

She offered them tea and they offered her an escape she said she didn't know what an escape looked like for that matter it sounded like something filled with cream.

 

What do you think Renee? Oh dear, they explained to her what an escape was and showed her by helping her tie sheets together and lowering it out the window.

Then they went off to find some Elves, or at least Kili did. Fili followed protesting that if he didn't go he (Kili) would do something disgraceful.

Kili thought it was because of the damsel in distress no that they were in such a position which on the contrary was not so or maybe.

The damsel no longer in distress went off to find something to eat away from the people who she regarded as slightly insane and she never came back. surprise surprise ow!

Hmm, they continued on. They encountered some poor innocent animals….. and killed them and ate them for tea.

Ok, number 3 ok. Nope don't write that down hmm lets see this is getting hard to write, why are you carrying a stone around? Um whoops a daisies ummm.

They continued on until they came to a bridge, a very strange bridge, it was all made out of curvy lines,

they didn't know bridges could be made out of curvy lines! They'd never seen anything like it.

There was something standing on it. It was funny it also had rather large ears, and rather large legs Kili took out his bow ''oh no don't do that!''

Cried the the damsel in distress who had been secretly following them ''it's a kangaroo!''

 Kili shot it. It turned out to be a rabbit sitting on its hind legs ''oh no you have killed the poor creature'' and she fainted away in to the water. Ummm hmmm so umm, Fili jumped in after her and shouted '' O madam I shall save you, for you alone know how to cook!''

and Kili shouted after him ''Aha! I was right!'' '' But alas is not trained in the arts of cooking. You will probably do a better job.'' (this bit makes no sense)

However this was just an excuse for his brother might think he was being romantic. He was right Kili did think he was being romantic and started to tease him about it.

The damsel had recovered as soon as she hit the water it being only a fake faint and she did faint away properly this time.

and was revived by Kili with a bucket of water then she was told to cook the rabbit and skin it too, for Fili had tied it to a tree by its ears and was trying to pull its skin off.

Suddenly they were surrounded by Elves with arrows all pointed at them. The damsel pretended to faint away in a very dramatic manner. One of the Elves snatched the rabbit away from Fili and miraculously brought it back to life. Oh yes are you ready for more yet?

Fili rushed to the damsel's side and took her hand in the most romantic manner. Kili rolled his eyes and gestured with his thumb at Fili who was being overly dramatic. This dictation is going rather well isn't it? The Elves were completely unsympathetic and marched them off to their dungeons.

They let the damsel in distress go because they felt sorry for her (and she was not a Dwarf. She went home and recovered.)

They were in prison for 2 months. Well, Fili was, he spent most of his time trying to pick the lock or undo the hinges ( he had read a lot of escaping stories.)

Unfortunately for him the Elves came in when ever he was asleep and fixed up the damage he had done.

Kili however had spent his time in chatting up the (girl) Elven guard who came around every day to make sure they had not escaped.

He tried to be absolutely charming (sometimes succeeding and some times not) and after 2 weeks was let out every afternoon for good behaviour, and after 6 weeks was not even kept in the dungeon at all but in the guard house

(which was a lot more comfortable as it had things like sheets and pillows which prisoners were not allowed in case they used them to escape) and he might even have been let free if Thorin had not found out where they were and tried to rescue them.

While the majority of the Elves were fighting Thorin the others crept away with Fili and Kili. When Thorin came Kili persuaded the Elves that Thorin was his evil uncle who had kept him in the cellar and had been chasing him ever since he ran away and they crept away with him.

 Ummm.............they took Fili as a hostage. Meanwhile Thorin had captured the Elven king's son and was holding him hostage.

The Elven king was rather displeased you might say.

They ran into an ants nest Fili said he was sure he had got the most bites. 

Thorin meanwhile had received reinforcements in the shape of friends, relations and rabbit's friends and relations. They beat off the Elves and went in search of Fili and Kili, to rescue them, and the Elven king to tell him they had his son and to ask if he wanted him back, because if he did weeellllllllll they wouldn't go in to particulars but he wouldn't be coming back soon.

Ha ha ha ho ho ho grrrrrr raa, eek, haa, aghhh,de do de do de do de do da de da laaaa la la la and they took some D-R-A-T actually, What? Me use this? Idenafacta hairbrushacus patheticas, hairbrushacusnot sopatheticas. hairbrushacus semipatheticas,

named after mrs semipatheticas who discovered the hair brush plant. Now I'm going to find hairbrushacus morepatheticas, hairbrushacus simpatheticus. Hairbrushacus effectivus.

The Elven king's son was a whiny, whingey annoying Elf and Thorin soon found himself wondering why the Elven king (Thranduil) would want him back at all.

When they caught up with the Elves Thorin almost decided that the prince wasn't worth ransoming or keeping as a hostage, but in spite of all temptations to belong to other nations he... when a sledge pulled by large rabbits appeared and started singing ''to belong to other nations we remain Radagast's, we remmmmmaaaaiiinnnn Raaadddagggasstt'sss''

and then a wizard called Radagast brought them to order and drove away leaving Thorin slightly flatter than he had been and a lot more indignant.

Then some rabbits pushed him in to a nettle patch filled with caterpillars. The Elves found him and put him in a lukewarm cauldron of dock leaf tea.

When he recovered he was informed by Fili that Kili had eloped with an Elf, and, for once, Thorin and the Thranduil ageed about something. 

They were both Furious! And sent the Thranduil's son Legolas and Fili to find them and bring them back.
While they were waiting they were attacked by a legion of animals called hairbrushacus carnivorous, huge spiky things with a million teeth and, unfortunately for them, very small brains. 

Thorin and Thranduil, with much arguing, made a Plan. They sent rabbit's friends and relations in first and while the hairbrushacus carnivorous were eating them...

the Dwarves set fire to them and they were burned up. 

Then there was an earthquake and a great big bump which threw them all in the air and they all ended up in very uncomfortable positions.

Then the strange and uncanny events stopped and everyone forgot what they were angry about and went home.

Meanwhile Fili and his companion (Legolas the annoying Elf) did not forget anything. When the bump came it landed them both in different parts of the forest.

We shall ignore Fili as he has been ignored before and is now used to it. Legolas (the annoying and now rather grumpy Elf) had been deposited high up in a tall very spiky tree and was now surveying the lie of the land, or the landscape.

He could see a lot of things but they were mostly trees. Then he spotted something it was a flying rabbit....no! A kangaroo! 

After that he spotted a thin wisp of smoke it grew bigger then he saw some little flames then they disappeared in more smoke, he then heard noises

''I told you not to light a fire'' ''Sorry, I didn't think it would get so big...it's out now anyway.'' ''oh alright, but try to be more careful if that river hadn't been there...'' He climbed down and after picking most of the thorns out of himself made his way towards the noises.

As he got closer he heard them again ''What was that?'' ''I don't know, it sounded like a stick 

cracking'' '' Shhh, there it is again...shall I shoot it?'' ''no it's probably just Legolas come to try and make me go home.''

"Then way can't I shoot him?'' 

''Because it's not nice to shoot people, except orcs. And he will be very easy to escape from, come this way.'' Legolas, who was not very pleased at this description of himself, burst out of the trees and in to a...

river!

Before he could stop himself he was up to his neck in water and could see Kili and the girl Elf ( who shall now be called Tauriel) on the opposite bank ''oh look'' said Tauriel '' a floating bird's nest'' Legolas realised he had a bird's nest in his hair.

Uh hem he he he hff he came across a rowing boat with someone in it who said he was called Bard and said he was going to give a present to his son Bain. 

Did you hear the flat faced cat? He was followed soon after by a large pirate ship they asked if he had seen a person who looked like the photograph they had,

Legolas (still the annoying Elf ) said that it was a very good painting but he hadn't-well he had umm I can't remember, you said the next bit didn't you? Probably at some point in his life.

The pirates said he knew what they meant and not to be silly, he said, no, he didn't know what they meant he asked them if they'd had their coffee they all sighed mournfuly and said no they hadn't. Crunch he said poor them and crunch crunch escaped crunch to lake town crunch crunch where he found the person called Bard explaining that he was called Willam Turner and when he grew up-

no he was called Orlando Bloom who was currently in the shape of an annoying blond haired Elf  

hmm he then discovered around a corner....something horrifying...Kíli and Tauriel eating cherries! Without him!! How dare they!!!

Cherries with cream and strawberries with icing sugar!!!! He was so indignant..that...he.......he he he grabbed the thing closest to his hand and threw it at them! 

It happened to be a dog...that's better he he he hmmm click clickclick click hmmm it landed right in the cherry box and sprayed cherries all over everyone, Legolas (the annoying Elf) fell in the water and Kíli and Tauriel manged to escape. 

You can? Oh I see, why is this ministers cat? Bryony? Why is this called the ministers cat? what are these? Bryony? That is such a cute photo ha ha ha where are the Revenge of the Sith screen caps? Nooo! Then he was run over by a sign that said ''an error has occurred please try again later'' and fell in to the water again.piff piff

 

we shall now go back to what Fíli is doing, at that precise moment he was being attacked by a great cloud of budgies and bats,

but that was just from above he also being attacked from below by rabbits and moles and hedgehogs and guinea pigs and things like that. like lego. Then to add to to his troubles he was run into by Kíli and Tauriel... and Legolas and then a group of people singing the Duke of Plaza Toro, and then a group of camera men and then som indian teddy bears on moterbikes and some more moterbikes with white things on them 

he got up and climbed a tree so he wouldn't be run over anymore. Then his tree began to shake, he looked down and saw 600 elephants and other things.

The elephants were all marching vertically towards his tree there were other things on the ground marching horizontally. He decided to hide he then noticed he was being stalked by a cat, a black cat with a red collar, a very fluffy black cat and another one with a squished face and a ginger cat and another black cat which was somehow on a small bush and was watching the other cats. They all started caterwauling to each other, the one on bush licked its lips and yawned,

Fíli thought this a good opportunity to run away soon he met a small girl named Alice. 

Suddenly there was a jingling noise and all the cats came rushing past him. There was a strange noise he looked up......and saw Kíli and Tauriel in a helicopter.
He was very angry and grabbed on to the ladder they let down. 

Where they had got the helicopter nobody knows, it was made out of lego. He heard heroic music and saw a Elfus heroicus running across the trees towards him. Aren't you an adorable rabbit.

He caught up with them and grabbed hold of the ladder which was rapidly disapparing umm Hannah do you want to dictate?umm the occupants of the helicopter not wanting him inside cut the ladder. He fell down in to the sea which was very very wet.

there his father found him and brought him back to Mirkwood where he belonged and where the Dwarves didn't and we shall hear no more of him for now. 

Hmm in the helicopter Fíli flew upon Kíli...Tauriel was very surprised, she didn't know Dwarves could fly,

suddenly Fíli stopped, he looked out the window, so did Kíli and Tauriel. They saw the damsel in distress (otherwise known as Elizabeth Swann)

''Oh great not her again'' said Kíli. She was with a man who looked suspiciously like Bard and was kissing the damsel in distress!

''how shameful'' said Fíli ''kissing in public.'' umm ''she said food'' said Kíli looking in a different direction, at a giant sandwich and a giant pie filled with salami, pastrami, potatoes, and ham and that was about it.

 The pie was filled with nectarnes, cherries and peach, pear, plums and I spy tom thumbs (whatever that may be).

They landed and set upon the food and then were attacked by the food makers.

 The damsel in distress and her lover were very upset because that was their wedding feast! They apologised and said ''why don't we all go and find something else to eat.'' However the only thing of any interest was a strange person who asked them if they wanted to hear a story.

They said that seeing as they had no food and couldn't find any food they may as well hear it and he told them a story of a huge chest made of and covered with all sorts of locks that lay at the bottom of the sea and on top of it sat a strange man with an octopussy face that was green

(because he was always sea sick) and he locked people in his chest and never let them out again.....ever! About sea serpents that would rap themselves around ships and break them in to tiny bits, about great octopusses called crakens that were not very nice

but no one really knew what they did because no one ever survived to tell the tale and about sirens who- 

by this time the strange man with the red hat was completely alone as every one else had snuck off. Fíli had followed Kíli and Tauriel to make sure they behaved themselves. unfortunately for him he lost track of them almost at once (this was because they had found the Elven king's summer residence and since it was early autumn they had decided that no one would be there and had gone in)

 he was then run over by rabbits (again!)

and finally decided that he was going to go home and if Thorin wanted Kíli back he could find him himself. Unfortunately for Thorin (and the entire house of Durin for that matter) Kíli came back (with Tauriel) one day when only Dís was home and by the time Thorin and Fíli got home Kíli and Tauriel had persuaded her that Thorin had been chasing them with an entire army and they had barely managed to escape, and that the whole escapade had been done in a thouroughly romantic manner, and Dís (who rather liked romantic things)

was actually quite pleased, and Thorin found, much to his surprise, that he now had only Fíli supporting him in the fact that Kíli was a disgrace to the house of Durin and nobody supporting him in the opinion that they ( Kíli and Tauriel) should be banished.

So he eventually gave in (after much arguing, he knew he couldn't really do anything else except leave and he didn't want to do that as he couldn't cook) seeing as Thranduil had banished Tauriel (having no sister to tell him to do otherwise) and therefore it would annoy Thranduil if they were nice to her.

At least Thorin hoped it would, as a matter of fact Thranduil didn't care at all. I don't want to get up at all, what are you writing Bryony? His son I have to get up otherwise I will go to sleep and then I won't have time to have my shower and my MP3 player has finished the thing I was listening to

and I can't exactly listen to the next one because it's not on my MP3 player. However was not pleased at all and spent his spare time in accidently-on-purpose-nearly-but-not-quite-shooting-Kíli

 until Tauriel was accidently-on-purpose-actually-shooting-Legolas's-finger-and-his-bow-string-and-his-other-finger 

who was getting rather annoyed by the arrows that kept accidently falling in her cooking and of mending the accidently made holes in everyone's clothing then he went back home and they all lived happily ever after. (that does not mean without adventures or rabbits) the end.