The Star Wars effect

Imperial suite(s)

"Otherwise Perfect"

The humans kept very much to themselves after that first encounter with Queen Geranium, having decided that the aliens were not friendly. They pitched a large camp near the forest beside which they had landed. Only a few distinguished persons were allowed out to do research on the local flora and fauna. All the children were warned against the “Unfriendly Aliens” and told never to speak to them or something bad would happen. There weren’t many children since the instigators of this recolonisation had only sent young working age people, thus, tearing families apart in the name of progress. (In other words: No one was there because they wanted to be there.) Few of these people had children and of the children there, none were over the age of three. One day a fairy, named Xenia, was passing by and decided to investigate this camp. She managed to get quite far without being stopped and had actually been able to have a good conversation with a nice couple who lived in tent 137 when the head scientist and some of his colleagues noticed her and told her to get out. On inquiring the reason for this she was informed that she was too short. She asked hotly what was wrong with being short and was told that short people were unfortunate mutations in the otherwise perfect process of evolution. She said she would inform the Queen about this insult to their race and stormed out. The Queen was told immediately and was furious but decided not to show it to the humans. Instead she left them severely alone. Anyone who wanted was allowed in the camp By Order Of The Queen So There but no one did.

The Resettlement

In the days before the humans came, life on Outer Earth was peaceful enough. Now and then there would be a disagreement with the Immortals and they'd have a friendly battle in which nobody got hurt and nobody lost.

but one day the chief astronomer said to the queen of the fairies, Queen Geranium: “Excuse me your majesty,”

The Queen, who had very dark hair and skin, and was having a small picnic with some friends, looked up from her cup of fermented blue vine flower juice and rejoined: “Yes, what is it?”

The astronomer looked nervously at the wall, he found the Queen very intimidating and she knew it.

“The- there- um...” he wasn't quite sure how to put this. “Uh, Inner Earth has been sending out ships.”

“They've been sending out ships for years and you didn't have to report it every single time. What's so important about these ships?”

“Er... they uh, they appear to be heading in the direction of our solar system.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. They sent out several signals. It sounds like they're looking for a place to move into and they want to talk to little green men so I'm not sure if it's our planet in particular they're after.”

“Oh.” said the Queen. “Never mind that just now.” she turned to her friends. “Ladies, do not be alarmed.” Turning to the astronomer, she said “You may go.”

he bowed and withdrew.

The next month the fairies were having a friendly battle with the Immortals when there was the sound of a small explosion from behind the the other side of the hill, followed by several more. Queen Geranium and the king of the Immortals, King Ivor, rode over on their buncles, (a large winged animal which lives on Outer Earth),

and saw a cloud of smoke which cleared quickly to reveal a number of large space shuttles on the edge of the forest. Geranium was not impressed.

“Ivor,”

“Yes, Geranium?”

“Could you possibly release my cushion? I may need it.”

He handed it back to her and they waited for the space shuttles to do something. One of them opened and a lot of mist and strange figures in space suits with guns emerged.

“How dare they!” muttered Geranium through clenched teeth.

“I think I kind of like their manner of arrival,” Said Ivor. “it’s what I would have done in their place.”

Geranium looked at him in utter disbelief. how could he say that? There were people down there invading their perfect planet, and he was calmly saying that he approved!

At last she said, rather nastily. “Well I suppose that comes of being from a different planet.”

“Are you trying to say that I’m inferior?” he replied, somewhat annoyed.

“Not just you,” She retorted, disdainfully, and ended with a shout. “Your entire race! I don’t know why I ever trusted you enough to fight against you! You always cheat!” (He never cheated, but Geranium was feeling extremely disagreeable just then)

“So now I cheat? Well I hope you won’t be bothered by cheats like me from now on. I’m not having anything else to do with you or your people and neither will my untrustworthy race!” he hit her hard with his pillow and said, “Take that, with the cheat’s compliments! I hope it hurts a lot!”

Geranium wasn’t going to let him get away with that and so whacked him with her cushion, leapt onto his buncle and pushed onto the ground where she proceeded to punch him as hard as she could while he pulled her hair, all the time hurling insults at each other. Their crowns fell off and their clothes became so dirty that they were no longer recognisable as monarchs. a loud cough from behind made them stop to see who dared to interrupt their royal fight. they looked up to see three people in space suits standing staring at them.

“What do you want?” Said Geranium.

“We are humans from Planet Earth,” Said one. “Which has become over crowded so we came here to settle and start-”

“Why are you wearing space suits?” Asked Ivor, sitting up.

“Because,” Said the first one. “we are unsure whether your atmosphere is fit to breathe.”

“Our atmosphere unfit to breathe?!” Geranium was outraged. these people, humans, had come without permission to settle on their planet and now they were saying there was something wrong with the air!

“How dare you!” She shouted, jumping up. “Our air is perfectly fine and no one is allowed to say otherwise!”

“Well we need to make sure that the oxygen levels-”

“The oxygen level is fine! If it wasn’t then how could you hear me?!” She couldn’t believe how stupid these people were.

“Well you have a point there. I think we should return to our shuttle, though.” They moved off. Geranium now turned to see what was keeping Ivor so quiet all this time and saw that he was way off on the plain, withdrawing his troops. they never spoke to one another again. this was the beginning of the long and bitter enmity between Immortals and Fairies and how the humans came to Outer Earth.

A Dance

PART EIGHT

a metallic clang woke Sonia. She had not realised she had fallen asleep. The first clang was soon followed by more, and the sound of immense cogs turning. At the end of the great hall, the braziers were being re-lit with purple and blue flames. The light from them revealed two vast, stone plates moving to meet the bridge in the middle. Sonia was not surprised, the floor had often been moved in this way when she was still living here. This time must be for a dance or something of that sort. Sure enough, when the ground was again still, from all sides there rushed girls in blue dancing dresses and makeup, who all froze in varying positions.

 The edges of the hall slowly and silently filled with people, a high pitched note rang through the hall and the dance began. It was very lively and energetic at first, then became smoother and more fluid. At one point several dancers sprang high in the air. As one of them came down, her foot hit someone's hand and she lost control and crashed onto the floor.

 The music ceased playing as a stunned silence settled over everything. Nobody moved. The girl didn't get up. The sudden hush was cut short as someone shouted, Sonia didn't hear what they said, but immediately after, two rough-looking men raced out from the crowd and dragged the unconscious girl away. This was unfortunate and unexpected, but the dance must go on. It continued without mishap till the end, when a man, who Sonia recognised as Ivan, dashed onto the floor, scattering the dancers as he went. When at a safe distance, the dancers turned and knelt before him. Ivan darted over to the side nearest Sonia and seized the arm of an auburn haired dancer. He led the uncertain looking girl to the middle of the floor where he released her arm and shouted, “Shine! You have won...”

“Shine!” thought Sonia. “It's Shine, what a surprise.”

“...the privilege of appearing at the ball this evening!” Applause. “And of being allowed access to the royal living area!” More applause. “And an identification plate for your wrist!” Gasps and murmurs from the crowd, but also applause. An identification plate meant you were always being watched, that there were certain places where you could not go because of invisible fencing, and perhaps worst of all, you could never take it off. This kind of thing only happened to very dangerous people or prisoners, never to anyone else. Sonia decided Ivan must not like Shine, which was good, life was bad enough without having those two in league with each other.

“A nice sort of prize.” Someone muttered contemptuously behind Sonia. Shine didn't protest, she knew as well as anyone what this meant, but she also knew, like everyone else did, that whatever lord Ivan commanded must be carried out without a fuss of any kind. Sonia felt no sympathy whatsoever for Shine, who had never been particularly nice to her, although Sonia hadn't ever tried to be agreeable either. She had never liked Shine and she wasn't going to start now.

A door opening at the other end of the hall distracted everyone's attention. A man entered and pushing through the crowd, made his way to the center of the hall. It was Mirabell. He bowed low before Ivan and spoke quietly and rapidly. He finished, bowed again and disappeared into the crowd.

Ivan threw his arms in the air and exclaimed: “Ladies and gentlemen, we have more prisoners!” There was a roar of excitement and everyone rushed for the door except Mirabell. He walked over to Sonia's column and surveyed her with interest.

“So you said no?” he asked, folding his arms.

“Yes.” replied Sonia, sullenly.

“Good for you.” he said, smiling broadly. His attitude puzzled Sonia.

“What do you mean? I thought you wanted me to join.”

Mirabell unfolded his arms and sat down on a chair. “Well yes and no. I wanted you to join because if you didn't then they'd probably kill you or something worse. But if you didn't join, then I think it's a better choice. And if... if you got a chance to escape then you would be able to live a better life.”

“I'll never be able to get out of here.”

“Well you never know.” Mirabell didn't look at her.

“No, I know perfectly well. I've lived here for five years and never even been allowed into the actual city. How am I supposed to escape?”

“You never know.”

Sonia did not deign to reply.

Mirabell sighed. “Sonia, I'm only here because of something my father said. He and Chrystal never got on well. Apparently he was opposed to settling in Ivan City and said none of his descendants would work for her, so she shot him and made my entire family come here and help. I don't want to be here doing this, but I can't leave very easily. Someday things might change.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I think you need to know.” he got up, came over and unchained Sonia from the column. “I'm to take you to level six. You remember, the 'nice dungeon'. Follow me.”

Three Years Ago

PART SEVEN

Lord Ivan's maid glanced up from a romantic note she had received from one of the royal guards to see a small girl of perhaps fourteen years with close-cropped hair and wearing a rough suede jacket, (far too big for her), and brown corduroy trousers. She was carrying a rather untidy package in both hands.

“Oh!” the maid quickly hid the note in her sleeve, “Sonia, you startled me.”

The girl held up the package and began to speak in a flat, insincere voice. “I want to give my lord Ivan, second only to our great leader, Chrystal, and who is her adopted son, this gift, which I have slaved over for-”

“Yes, yes. I'll take it in for you.”

The maid was used to this kind of talk, it had been decreed by their great leader, Chrystal, that young Lord Ivan should be addressed and talked of in this manner, but hardly anyone did. In her very private opinion, which she shared with no one but the guard, who was secretly her admirer, the title was ridiculous. No one really had or needed a name that long, or so far as she knew, and if they did, no one would use it in casual conversation as they were ordered to do.

The girl didn't move.

“Come on.” It was not this girl's place to act so to her superiors, the maid thought. She should go and tell Mirabell about this, he was in charge of keeping the training force, as they were called, under control.

The girl continued in the same expressionless tone, “I wanted the privilege of giving it-”

“Alright, alright. On your own head be it if you get into trouble with him. But don't you say I didn't warn you.”

The girl bowed low and said, “Oh no, ma'am. It was farthest from my thoughts to say that you, oh most virtuous and kind lady, were to blame.” She bowed low again. The maid opened the door to a very comfortable room, entered behind the girl and knelt on the carpet in front of a large armchair, on which sat a boy of about seventeen, playing with the end of an ornate stick with a tassel attached. Beside him was a table, heaped with presents from various people.

“Lord Ivan,” she began, “second only to our great leader, Chrystal. You have another visitor with yet another present for you. Lord Ivan, I would have taken it to you myself, only she insisted. I would-”

The boy on the chair in front of her leapt to his feet and struck the maid with the stick on the side of the head. Sonia winced slightly as the blow was struck.

“Silence, slave!” said the boy, “When I desire excuses I shall ask for them. Now, leave me!”

“Yes, my lord.” replied the subdued maid. She rose, and silently left the room. The boy then turned on Sonia.

“And what do you want, Sonia?!”

Sonia walked sharply forward and kicked him on the shin.

“Happy birthday, Ivan.” She said, sarcastically. She placed the parcel on the table and walked out the door, leaving the stunned Ivan to himself. He sat there for a long time, then went over to the table to open the package. Inside was a small, iced, chocolate cake.

Meanwhile, Sonia, as soon as she had left the bright light of Ivan's quarters safely behind her, ran as fast as she could down the steps into the dimly lit world of the lower class living areas. As she sped through the bottom gallery overlooking the great hall, she ran straight into another small girl with auburn hair and a dancer's dress on. It was so dark Sonia wouldn't have been able to tell the colour if she hadn't known who it was.

“Sorry, Shine. I didn't see you.”

She rushed off again with the other girl's shout echoing after her, “You'd better be sorry! I was practicing my dance for this evening and now I'll have to start all over again! I'm going to tell my mother and she'll make you sorry!”

Sonia skidded to a halt and turned to shout back, “No you won't! Your mother never even looks at you!”

It was cruel, she reflected, as she began running again, but so hard to resist. And Shine didn't always behave like an angel to Sonia, so she felt partially justified. Shine was Chrystal's daughter but was never treated like one. Chrystal hated girls and so kept her at the far end of the palace and instead lavished her care and attention on Ivan, her adopted son. Shine lived with her nurse, Rhoda, who taught her to be a dancing girl at Chrystal's orders. Sonia teased her at every opportunity.

Sonia soon found herself in the training force's area. She didn't slow down until she reached the dormitory, where she fell on her bed and burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. She felt more like crying, but crying was weak. Everyone would make fun of her if they saw her crying. After about ten minutes, however, she got to her feet and went about her duties as usual. That evening as the training force was eating its dinner, a servant ran wailing down the steps and announced that Lord Ivan was ill from eating a chocolate cake given to him by Sonia that afternoon. No more than three days later, Sonia was left in the cold forest to stay for three years.

Ivan

PART SIX

Sonia knew why she was here; Mirabell had come for her with his men. He thought she was ready. Well she wasn't ready, she would never be ready and they could fool themselves all they wanted but the cold reality would still be there. At least, as long as they made her wear this dress. She hadn't worn a dress for years and was feeling somewhat uncertain about it. If anyone said anything to her about her dress she would kill them right then and there. She was in an enormous hall lit by six sizeable braziers and lined on the left wall with many galleries filled with people, conversing loudly. She remembered the hall. In front of her was a long, flat bridge, at the end of which some steps led up to a wide, flat space. There stood three men. The last time she had been here was when they had condemned her to stay in the cold forest.

 At a sign from one of them the noises died down. Sonia suddenly realised with horror that the man was now pointing at her and beckoning. She stepped forward onto the bridge. It seemed very long. Sonia was sure everyone was passing silent judgement and ridicule on her and wished desperately that she was somewhere else, preferably her hut or some nice dark, safe place. At last she reached the other side and walked up the steps. The man in the middle smiled condescendingly down at her. Sonia glared back at him.

“Sonia! he said, in a loud voice which reverberated around the hall, “Are you ready to become a member of our force and live your life as one of us?”

She was sure she recognised him from somewhere, but she couldn't quite remember where.

“To face the dangers of...” Ah yes, now she knew, “...and the cold and exposure of the frozen plains? What is your answer?” Sonia leapt at him and had him on the floor before he knew what was happening. The two other men started forward, but the first man waved them off. He appeared rather amused.

“I will never join your force, not as long as you are part of it, Ivan!” she hissed. She let him rise. “Still as spirited and unmanageable as before I see.” he brushed himself down, “My mother and Mirabell will have to see to you.”

“Your mother? She's not your mother. Your mother was poorer than mine!” His face began to redden.

“You have no right to say that, you daughter of a comma!”

(A comma is a small, black animal 30.48-46 cm (12-18.11 inches) long, which eats pretty much anything that is not poisonous and doesn't fight back or look dangerous. On the frozen plains it is the symbol of cowardice because of its fear of perhaps getting hurt).

Sonia forgot about the crowd and the guards and hit Ivan's nose with her fist as hard as she could. She watched in satisfaction as he fell back onto the floor with blood trickling from his nose. Next moment she was seized by the guards and dragged away to the other side of the bridge where they chained her to a column and left her. Sonia watched Ivan as he was taken away to have his nose seen to.

Ivan had been in the training force with Sonia and they had hated each other with a deadly hatred. One day he had put a baby cardan down her neck while she was eating, and another time he filled her hair with burrs so it had to be cut off. On that day Sonia had vowed she would hate Ivan for the rest of her life. Ivan was an orphan, found in the mountains by their leader Chrystal and then adopted by her. He therefore held authority over almost everyone there, which meant he could pretty much do what he liked. It also meant Sonia couldn't get back at him very easily, but she somehow managed to, and one thing led to another and ended up with her in the cold forest.

The Hidden City

PART FIVE
The wind howled and raged along the mountains. The snow falling from the clouds barely had time to settle on the ground between gusts before it was blown away again. Over the rocks near the base of one of the mountains clambered four people carrying bags: one woman and three men. They halted on a small ridge overlooking a valley at the end of which was a large cave.

  “There it is.” said the woman.

“Did you just find it?” said the man with the gun and no head covering.

“Yes. There's a whole city inside.” she moved as if to go but he held her back.

“If there is a city people will know about it and they'll find us and kill us, or do something even worse.”

“The people don't know about this place, neither do the controllers, so we're safe.”

The man looked skeptical,

“Saul, there's no one in the city.”

“What? How do you know?”

“We searched it. The only people there were dead. Oh yes, except one little boy.”

“Did you kill him?”

“No. why would I do something like that? I'm going to keep him.”

“Well I just thought maybe you would because of what you did to your daughter." Saul muttered, "But what about his parents?”

“His parents were dead. They must have died a few hours before we got there.”

“Aha.”

“We should go and check it out, shouldn't we, Chrystal?” said the second man,

“I think that's a good idea, Geoffrey.”

“I don't like it. Why would there be a city underground full of dead people for no apparent reason? They must have died of something.”

“Hunger, Saul. They died of hunger.”

The group made their way down the slope toward the cave.

“What sensible person would come to the cold forest without a gun to get food sir?”
Said Saul,

“We're not talking about sensible people, Saul, these were fanatics.” Geoffrey answered.

“Fanatics? In the cold forest?”

They entered the cave.

“Look, Saul.” Said Geoffrey, pointing at a tall and ornate arch on which were the words:

“You are now entering IVAN.” To one side was a touchscreen on a stand which lit up as the others passed under the arch. None of them took any notice of the horrible sight of a skeleton underneath it. Saul stood looking up at the words.

“The Hidden City. You can't use this place!”

“Oh can't I? I'm going to name the little boy after it.” Said Chrystal, turning and fixing on him a glance which would have silenced him at any other time, but not now.

“This city is sacred to the marchers! You can't just walk in and make it the home of thieves!”

“We are not thieves! The controllers are after us because they are cruel tyrants, we have a group of fighters to find shelter for and winter will soon be here. Do you have a better idea? Or are you going to turn traitor and join the controllers!”

“People on the long march will come here and find us. The Secret Architects who built this city didn't mean for people like us to move in.”

“Here we have a chance to become greater than we would anywhere else. If anyone comes in we pretend we were on the long march too and get them to join us. Think how many people will die if we just leave this place alone. We'll spread out and rally others to our cause. Anyone found within our territory, any likely followers, we capture and make them join us.”

“And what if they won't?”

“Oh then we kill them. When we have amassed a large enough force we will take over the world!”

“You said we would just overthrow the controllers, not-”

“That's just the first stage in my plan. If we do this properly no one will ever know where we are.”

“Chrystal! Saul! Are you frozen to the ground? Come on!”

“It's alright, Geoffrey, we were just discussing something.”

Chrystal began to make her way towards the other two, but Saul remained where he was.

“You are a power hungry maniac!” he shouted after her, “I will never be part of your plot! Neither will my children or my grandchildren!”

The gunshot echoed through the whole of the cave. It was followed by a cry and two more shots.

“Chrystal!”

“I'm alright. The traitor!” She shook her fist at the crumpled figure of Saul who had been shot twice in different places. A bullet had just grazed Chrystal's leg. Geoffrey rushed over and helped her to her feet.

“Should I finish him off, Chrystal?”

“No. We'll leave him to die here.”

They began walking further into the cave and were soon lost to sight. In a short while complete silence reigned.

More of My Pictures

The other day I decided to draw my hand and my foot, just to see if I could, and this is what happened:

 

This is my skirt.

Another Dictated Story

(This Dictated Story has the same rules as the last one.)
Once upon a time (there are no fairies in this story) there lived a lot of people, we however will concentrate on 3 or 4 of them.They lived in a small house which hadn't been extended yet.One day Kili and Fili decided to have an archery contest.They were told by Thorin to ask the house renovators to extend their house.They decided to have their archery contest on the way. 
The target was,unfortunately for them,Their mother's prize lily.This lily happened to be just below their mothers bedroom window. Fili was not very good at archery, but that is to be expected when your brother has just kicked you as you were in the act of shooting so you wouldn't win.Right.Fili's arrow went right in the middle of the window there was a screech and a crash.

The culprits headed for the trees as fast as they could Kili ran away but Fili was not so lucky.or Kili ran faster.So you've got Fili was not so lucky? Their mother came out and saw the broken lily.She was not impressed.

She saw Fili's bow lying on the ground.She could tell it was Fili's because it had a delicately engraved F on it and it had a crack in it and she knew that Frerin,who ever that is,was not around.Right right, next, you weren't saying anything so why would we be listening? Right,she looked up and spotted Fili running away. 

She decided it was time she had a little conversation with Fili, she ran in the same direction

she um she,ran past him and pretended not to notice him as he lent up against a tree and pretended to be part of the scenery,she stopped, turned around and started to walk back there was a sigh of relief,she said loudly ''Oh Fili must not be around here''

an audible sigh of relief and a slight giggle,that's a lot of writing...oh I thought that was all today. Dis quickly rushed to one side and um and...ran in the dir- um,and caught young Fili (if you call 80 young) She took him back to the house giving him a lecture on the way. The lecture was about how young (and old) Dwarves should not play with bow and arrows near open windows or aim at their mother's prize lilies,Fili kept nodding hoping that her bad mood would not last long.

Meanwhile Kili had found a group of Elves ,it is amazing how often this happens in these sorts of storys,one of them was especially attractive um um they,one of them said he was cute, he was very annoyed, 

 

They tra- they went along for some time they had a very interesting conversation, Kili did most of the talking as the Elves were not very talkative. they said it was all very interesting. Hannah is making funny faces and blinking a lot, Kili heard something coming through the trees.

it sounded like a very heavy something that expected everything to get out of its way. This he could tell because there were loud bumps and unmentionable curses in Dwarvish. The voice sounded familiar. 

 

Kili and the attractive Elf were having a very interesting conversation when Thorin came along and spoiled it all, he looked very angry especially when he saw Kili.um um um um ummm hummmmmmmmm ummm sooooooo,Thorin came up with a very stern expression on his face ''You are coming with me young Dwarf'' ''I'm not young'' Right ummm hahaha um so ha ha ha um oh no please don't do that um so ha ha ha Thorin when they got home Thorin gave Kili a long and lengthy lecture 
(just like the one Dis had given to Fili)

Kili nodded all the while, not listening, just nodding because nodding means you are listening.The next morning however a lot of meat and 2 nephews had disappeared and were not seen again for some time.Thorin said ''Good riddance''

then said he was only joking when he saw the look on Dis's face.

hmmmm.The nephews had crept out the night before into the forest.Fili had-no Kili had conveniently lost Fili along with quarter of the provisions and was now wondering if he was anywhere near Elves (or anyone else for that matter)

Which he wasn't,finding this out he sat down and made a fire out of no-one-knows what and left it going and cooked his lunch on it.Breakfast.

When he went away he met some Elves umm they rushed past him to a place where smoke was coming out; they had buckets full of water, they rushed through a bush which hid them for a while, ummmmm.

When they came back they were all covered in smoke soot.They told him to find something better to do than setting fire to woods. he asked what. What? He asked what,What? He asked what else he could do,oh, do you know what I should write in here? I have a suspicion that she is writing down what we are saying, you are!!!don't encourage her, maybe you have dainty little hands, oh look a hairbrush!

I can hear Bryony's pencil,brrr he he he ,How Dare You! I want you to read this, I know what you could put in your story, He went away from the Elves and was soon overtaken by night in other words the dark.

It began to rain, this book (Le Miserbles)is to long, there was a flash of thunder, I mean, Lightning, a flash of thunder?you should know better, I do, oh really? I'm on more advanced maths than you,umm um triple umm, right,

He came to a town which was by a large expanse of water, which was rapidly expanding as the rain continued, it's called the sea ,oh, in that case....hmm.

He saw some shapes on the horizon, they looked strangely familiar, no they didn't! On the street he found a....... a fountain? Hannah!

Did you write down, man who he later found out was called Bard the Bow Man, Which rhymed with man, no it didn't! Yes it did. No, man can not rhyme with man, He sang a song and carried 6 baby rabbits in a basket, what a strange thing to carry. 

 

He said his name was something else, he said his name was Sigrid, NO HANNAH! And Kili soon forgot it as it wasn't a very memorable name, right,

I think he said his name was something starting with W ; William, Winkle, Wallace, Waylayer, 

 why are you looking at me? Ummm ummm he reached a wooden platform which was built on the water.

It was a very dirty wooden platform, yup, and had a boat tied to it. On the boat were lots of people, 2 pigs, a cow, a horse and a lady. Who all informed him at once- oh yes there was a monkey there too, yes a monkey, in sheep's clothing, which actually came off a kangaroo.

That they were pirates and that they were going to kill everyone in the town and that he'd better go and tell them so. 

 Did you write down the bit about the killing?

He ran off to tell theeeee ummmmmm village people, yup, about it. But he missed his way in the dark, hit something in front of him heard a wild war whoop and fell over backwards.

When he woke up, hey, hey, I want to do the next bit. He awoke to find that water was being splashed over his face and the rest of him was all wet.

 

He was in a young lady's room, and so was the lady. She was armed with a bucket, a empty bucket, a plastic bucket.

She had a frying pan in the other hand, a cast iron frying pan. When she saw that he was awake she threw him out the window.

He immediately rushed around to the door and started thumping it, soon someone came to the door. It was the horse, it was black, and white and actually looked like a cow and could talk and was surrounded by.....

the other pirates who all said at once ''GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK!'' ''what?'' said Kili and they repeated what they had just said.

 So he went away and found Fili who was all wet as well and said he'd been captured by pirates! Who threw him overboard and fished back up again and made him walk the plank

 and thrown up by a gigantic wave into the crow's nest with a fishing line.

Where the pirates noticed him and were about to throw him overboard again when they sighted land. They threw him down below and he blew their ship up.

Then they went off to save the young lady in distress. Who was not pleased to see them and kicked them out the window. A little bit later she relented and let them in.

She offered them tea and they offered her an escape she said she didn't know what an escape looked like for that matter it sounded like something filled with cream.

 

What do you think Renee? Oh dear, they explained to her what an escape was and showed her by helping her tie sheets together and lowering it out the window.

Then they went off to find some Elves, or at least Kili did. Fili followed protesting that if he didn't go he (Kili) would do something disgraceful.

Kili thought it was because of the damsel in distress no that they were in such a position which on the contrary was not so or maybe.

The damsel no longer in distress went off to find something to eat away from the people who she regarded as slightly insane and she never came back. surprise surprise ow!

Hmm, they continued on. They encountered some poor innocent animals….. and killed them and ate them for tea.

Ok, number 3 ok. Nope don't write that down hmm lets see this is getting hard to write, why are you carrying a stone around? Um whoops a daisies ummm.

They continued on until they came to a bridge, a very strange bridge, it was all made out of curvy lines,

they didn't know bridges could be made out of curvy lines! They'd never seen anything like it.

There was something standing on it. It was funny it also had rather large ears, and rather large legs Kili took out his bow ''oh no don't do that!''

Cried the the damsel in distress who had been secretly following them ''it's a kangaroo!''

 Kili shot it. It turned out to be a rabbit sitting on its hind legs ''oh no you have killed the poor creature'' and she fainted away in to the water. Ummm hmmm so umm, Fili jumped in after her and shouted '' O madam I shall save you, for you alone know how to cook!''

and Kili shouted after him ''Aha! I was right!'' '' But alas is not trained in the arts of cooking. You will probably do a better job.'' (this bit makes no sense)

However this was just an excuse for his brother might think he was being romantic. He was right Kili did think he was being romantic and started to tease him about it.

The damsel had recovered as soon as she hit the water it being only a fake faint and she did faint away properly this time.

and was revived by Kili with a bucket of water then she was told to cook the rabbit and skin it too, for Fili had tied it to a tree by its ears and was trying to pull its skin off.

Suddenly they were surrounded by Elves with arrows all pointed at them. The damsel pretended to faint away in a very dramatic manner. One of the Elves snatched the rabbit away from Fili and miraculously brought it back to life. Oh yes are you ready for more yet?

Fili rushed to the damsel's side and took her hand in the most romantic manner. Kili rolled his eyes and gestured with his thumb at Fili who was being overly dramatic. This dictation is going rather well isn't it? The Elves were completely unsympathetic and marched them off to their dungeons.

They let the damsel in distress go because they felt sorry for her (and she was not a Dwarf. She went home and recovered.)

They were in prison for 2 months. Well, Fili was, he spent most of his time trying to pick the lock or undo the hinges ( he had read a lot of escaping stories.)

Unfortunately for him the Elves came in when ever he was asleep and fixed up the damage he had done.

Kili however had spent his time in chatting up the (girl) Elven guard who came around every day to make sure they had not escaped.

He tried to be absolutely charming (sometimes succeeding and some times not) and after 2 weeks was let out every afternoon for good behaviour, and after 6 weeks was not even kept in the dungeon at all but in the guard house

(which was a lot more comfortable as it had things like sheets and pillows which prisoners were not allowed in case they used them to escape) and he might even have been let free if Thorin had not found out where they were and tried to rescue them.

While the majority of the Elves were fighting Thorin the others crept away with Fili and Kili. When Thorin came Kili persuaded the Elves that Thorin was his evil uncle who had kept him in the cellar and had been chasing him ever since he ran away and they crept away with him.

 Ummm.............they took Fili as a hostage. Meanwhile Thorin had captured the Elven king's son and was holding him hostage.

The Elven king was rather displeased you might say.

They ran into an ants nest Fili said he was sure he had got the most bites. 

Thorin meanwhile had received reinforcements in the shape of friends, relations and rabbit's friends and relations. They beat off the Elves and went in search of Fili and Kili, to rescue them, and the Elven king to tell him they had his son and to ask if he wanted him back, because if he did weeellllllllll they wouldn't go in to particulars but he wouldn't be coming back soon.

Ha ha ha ho ho ho grrrrrr raa, eek, haa, aghhh,de do de do de do de do da de da laaaa la la la and they took some D-R-A-T actually, What? Me use this? Idenafacta hairbrushacus patheticas, hairbrushacusnot sopatheticas. hairbrushacus semipatheticas,

named after mrs semipatheticas who discovered the hair brush plant. Now I'm going to find hairbrushacus morepatheticas, hairbrushacus simpatheticus. Hairbrushacus effectivus.

The Elven king's son was a whiny, whingey annoying Elf and Thorin soon found himself wondering why the Elven king (Thranduil) would want him back at all.

When they caught up with the Elves Thorin almost decided that the prince wasn't worth ransoming or keeping as a hostage, but in spite of all temptations to belong to other nations he... when a sledge pulled by large rabbits appeared and started singing ''to belong to other nations we remain Radagast's, we remmmmmaaaaiiinnnn Raaadddagggasstt'sss''

and then a wizard called Radagast brought them to order and drove away leaving Thorin slightly flatter than he had been and a lot more indignant.

Then some rabbits pushed him in to a nettle patch filled with caterpillars. The Elves found him and put him in a lukewarm cauldron of dock leaf tea.

When he recovered he was informed by Fili that Kili had eloped with an Elf, and, for once, Thorin and the Thranduil ageed about something. 

They were both Furious! And sent the Thranduil's son Legolas and Fili to find them and bring them back.
While they were waiting they were attacked by a legion of animals called hairbrushacus carnivorous, huge spiky things with a million teeth and, unfortunately for them, very small brains. 

Thorin and Thranduil, with much arguing, made a Plan. They sent rabbit's friends and relations in first and while the hairbrushacus carnivorous were eating them...

the Dwarves set fire to them and they were burned up. 

Then there was an earthquake and a great big bump which threw them all in the air and they all ended up in very uncomfortable positions.

Then the strange and uncanny events stopped and everyone forgot what they were angry about and went home.

Meanwhile Fili and his companion (Legolas the annoying Elf) did not forget anything. When the bump came it landed them both in different parts of the forest.

We shall ignore Fili as he has been ignored before and is now used to it. Legolas (the annoying and now rather grumpy Elf) had been deposited high up in a tall very spiky tree and was now surveying the lie of the land, or the landscape.

He could see a lot of things but they were mostly trees. Then he spotted something it was a flying rabbit....no! A kangaroo! 

After that he spotted a thin wisp of smoke it grew bigger then he saw some little flames then they disappeared in more smoke, he then heard noises

''I told you not to light a fire'' ''Sorry, I didn't think it would get so big...it's out now anyway.'' ''oh alright, but try to be more careful if that river hadn't been there...'' He climbed down and after picking most of the thorns out of himself made his way towards the noises.

As he got closer he heard them again ''What was that?'' ''I don't know, it sounded like a stick 

cracking'' '' Shhh, there it is again...shall I shoot it?'' ''no it's probably just Legolas come to try and make me go home.''

"Then way can't I shoot him?'' 

''Because it's not nice to shoot people, except orcs. And he will be very easy to escape from, come this way.'' Legolas, who was not very pleased at this description of himself, burst out of the trees and in to a...

river!

Before he could stop himself he was up to his neck in water and could see Kili and the girl Elf ( who shall now be called Tauriel) on the opposite bank ''oh look'' said Tauriel '' a floating bird's nest'' Legolas realised he had a bird's nest in his hair.

Uh hem he he he hff he came across a rowing boat with someone in it who said he was called Bard and said he was going to give a present to his son Bain. 

Did you hear the flat faced cat? He was followed soon after by a large pirate ship they asked if he had seen a person who looked like the photograph they had,

Legolas (still the annoying Elf ) said that it was a very good painting but he hadn't-well he had umm I can't remember, you said the next bit didn't you? Probably at some point in his life.

The pirates said he knew what they meant and not to be silly, he said, no, he didn't know what they meant he asked them if they'd had their coffee they all sighed mournfuly and said no they hadn't. Crunch he said poor them and crunch crunch escaped crunch to lake town crunch crunch where he found the person called Bard explaining that he was called Willam Turner and when he grew up-

no he was called Orlando Bloom who was currently in the shape of an annoying blond haired Elf  

hmm he then discovered around a corner....something horrifying...Kíli and Tauriel eating cherries! Without him!! How dare they!!!

Cherries with cream and strawberries with icing sugar!!!! He was so indignant..that...he.......he he he grabbed the thing closest to his hand and threw it at them! 

It happened to be a dog...that's better he he he hmmm click clickclick click hmmm it landed right in the cherry box and sprayed cherries all over everyone, Legolas (the annoying Elf) fell in the water and Kíli and Tauriel manged to escape. 

You can? Oh I see, why is this ministers cat? Bryony? Why is this called the ministers cat? what are these? Bryony? That is such a cute photo ha ha ha where are the Revenge of the Sith screen caps? Nooo! Then he was run over by a sign that said ''an error has occurred please try again later'' and fell in to the water again.piff piff

 

we shall now go back to what Fíli is doing, at that precise moment he was being attacked by a great cloud of budgies and bats,

but that was just from above he also being attacked from below by rabbits and moles and hedgehogs and guinea pigs and things like that. like lego. Then to add to to his troubles he was run into by Kíli and Tauriel... and Legolas and then a group of people singing the Duke of Plaza Toro, and then a group of camera men and then som indian teddy bears on moterbikes and some more moterbikes with white things on them 

he got up and climbed a tree so he wouldn't be run over anymore. Then his tree began to shake, he looked down and saw 600 elephants and other things.

The elephants were all marching vertically towards his tree there were other things on the ground marching horizontally. He decided to hide he then noticed he was being stalked by a cat, a black cat with a red collar, a very fluffy black cat and another one with a squished face and a ginger cat and another black cat which was somehow on a small bush and was watching the other cats. They all started caterwauling to each other, the one on bush licked its lips and yawned,

Fíli thought this a good opportunity to run away soon he met a small girl named Alice. 

Suddenly there was a jingling noise and all the cats came rushing past him. There was a strange noise he looked up......and saw Kíli and Tauriel in a helicopter.
He was very angry and grabbed on to the ladder they let down. 

Where they had got the helicopter nobody knows, it was made out of lego. He heard heroic music and saw a Elfus heroicus running across the trees towards him. Aren't you an adorable rabbit.

He caught up with them and grabbed hold of the ladder which was rapidly disapparing umm Hannah do you want to dictate?umm the occupants of the helicopter not wanting him inside cut the ladder. He fell down in to the sea which was very very wet.

there his father found him and brought him back to Mirkwood where he belonged and where the Dwarves didn't and we shall hear no more of him for now. 

Hmm in the helicopter Fíli flew upon Kíli...Tauriel was very surprised, she didn't know Dwarves could fly,

suddenly Fíli stopped, he looked out the window, so did Kíli and Tauriel. They saw the damsel in distress (otherwise known as Elizabeth Swann)

''Oh great not her again'' said Kíli. She was with a man who looked suspiciously like Bard and was kissing the damsel in distress!

''how shameful'' said Fíli ''kissing in public.'' umm ''she said food'' said Kíli looking in a different direction, at a giant sandwich and a giant pie filled with salami, pastrami, potatoes, and ham and that was about it.

 The pie was filled with nectarnes, cherries and peach, pear, plums and I spy tom thumbs (whatever that may be).

They landed and set upon the food and then were attacked by the food makers.

 The damsel in distress and her lover were very upset because that was their wedding feast! They apologised and said ''why don't we all go and find something else to eat.'' However the only thing of any interest was a strange person who asked them if they wanted to hear a story.

They said that seeing as they had no food and couldn't find any food they may as well hear it and he told them a story of a huge chest made of and covered with all sorts of locks that lay at the bottom of the sea and on top of it sat a strange man with an octopussy face that was green

(because he was always sea sick) and he locked people in his chest and never let them out again.....ever! About sea serpents that would rap themselves around ships and break them in to tiny bits, about great octopusses called crakens that were not very nice

but no one really knew what they did because no one ever survived to tell the tale and about sirens who- 

by this time the strange man with the red hat was completely alone as every one else had snuck off. Fíli had followed Kíli and Tauriel to make sure they behaved themselves. unfortunately for him he lost track of them almost at once (this was because they had found the Elven king's summer residence and since it was early autumn they had decided that no one would be there and had gone in)

 he was then run over by rabbits (again!)

and finally decided that he was going to go home and if Thorin wanted Kíli back he could find him himself. Unfortunately for Thorin (and the entire house of Durin for that matter) Kíli came back (with Tauriel) one day when only Dís was home and by the time Thorin and Fíli got home Kíli and Tauriel had persuaded her that Thorin had been chasing them with an entire army and they had barely managed to escape, and that the whole escapade had been done in a thouroughly romantic manner, and Dís (who rather liked romantic things)

was actually quite pleased, and Thorin found, much to his surprise, that he now had only Fíli supporting him in the fact that Kíli was a disgrace to the house of Durin and nobody supporting him in the opinion that they ( Kíli and Tauriel) should be banished.

So he eventually gave in (after much arguing, he knew he couldn't really do anything else except leave and he didn't want to do that as he couldn't cook) seeing as Thranduil had banished Tauriel (having no sister to tell him to do otherwise) and therefore it would annoy Thranduil if they were nice to her.

At least Thorin hoped it would, as a matter of fact Thranduil didn't care at all. I don't want to get up at all, what are you writing Bryony? His son I have to get up otherwise I will go to sleep and then I won't have time to have my shower and my MP3 player has finished the thing I was listening to

and I can't exactly listen to the next one because it's not on my MP3 player. However was not pleased at all and spent his spare time in accidently-on-purpose-nearly-but-not-quite-shooting-Kíli

 until Tauriel was accidently-on-purpose-actually-shooting-Legolas's-finger-and-his-bow-string-and-his-other-finger 

who was getting rather annoyed by the arrows that kept accidently falling in her cooking and of mending the accidently made holes in everyone's clothing then he went back home and they all lived happily ever after. (that does not mean without adventures or rabbits) the end.